Soooo, is anyone really anxiously awaiting Road Trippin Part II lol? It was supposed to be about the Disney Wine & Food Festival I attended during my visit to Orlando, but honestly I’m just not feelin it. I’m feeling inspired to write something more personal and get some thoughts out of my head, and just hope that someone out there cares to read it. Then maybe I’ll get back to my great raw bar and stuffed acorn squash finds, but let’s digress a bit. I did mention this was a life blog, so here goes nothing. This is what came to my fingertips when I got home this evening and it’s somewhat unedited. I want to add that my intention is never to offend anyone in any way. This is about my life and what works for me, I judge no one. As always, thank you so much for taking the time to read
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in this universe who questions life, love, career, future, destiny, fate, as much as I do. I mean it’s got to be impossible to find someone. Ever since I was a little girl taking those road trips to our ski house in the Poconos, I would stare out into space (literally), stare at the moon and stars, listening to my waterproof yellow cassette Walkman– just thinking. And i’m pretty sure it wasn’t too far off what I daydream about now 25 years later. Who am I…what am I doing here…what do I contribute…what are my talents…. how can I change the world and people’s lives somehow…how do I do something different…what is out there…how can I leave here and do something amazing.
I never was content with the idea of normal and ordinary things. Like a 9 to 5 job, the house with the picket fence, (I want the dog), dropping my kids off at soccer practice in my mini van, living in some suburban town with all the lunch moms and baseball coach dads. I feel like I can have all the same fulfillment in life, but just put my own spin on it. I’d rather poke my own eyes out than become that boring miserable housewife with nothing left in my soul. I just don’t want to eat at Subway…
I don’t want to conform or partake in the mundane and generic. I’d rather spend my last 5 bucks on a delicious bahn mi from that little hole in the wall I heard about, which took me an hour to yelp and read all the reviews. It’s not about money or status. It’s not about being high maintenance or picky. It’s like a strong desire to not waste, if that makes any sense. To make a moment out of my 5 bucks– a discovery, an experience. To get a sense of fulfillment out of everything I do. But seriously, besides the obvious to me, what really IS wrong with Subway? It worked for Jared. I just can’t understand why it doesn’t work for me.
I’ve lived my life on the premise that I don’t want it to work for me. I’m happy seeking, searching, and sometimes finding. I don’t want to be part of this world of lost souls, just marching to the same beat like little toy soldiers, doing what is expected of us day in and day out. So why lately have I been having thoughts or desires to not be so different? Maybe because being this way means my mind is constantly anxious. Always in fear of wasting a moment, not seeing, not proving, not eating, not exercising, not blogging, not socializing- it’s exhausting. But it’s also full circle, because all of these pressures are precisely why I don’t want to conform to the masses in the first place.
I think a big part of it is something called all or nothing thinking, and there are a lucky bunch of us who are cursed with this special trait or behavioral impediment as some would call it. The ones who need to eat the whole bag of chips or none…who need to win the race or not participate at all…who need to have everything figured out or why even bother trying…who need the perfect relationship or be alone. It’s the fear of having just a few, being average, failure and the unknown, getting hurt. For some of us that gray area on any scale whether it’s food, success, life, or love, is just too uncomfortable to bear. It is basically living in a constant binging and purging behavior. It only feels good to overindulge, deprive, or expel life’s situations.
Getting too heavy yet? Ok, so maybe my daydreaming on the way to the Poconos didn’t result in today’s revelation, but the message is the same as it was then: I just don’t want to eat at Subway and I’m not going to. I will continue to shoot for the stars and believe that I can achieve, even when I think I can’t. I will never settle for ordinary or normal, even though both are just fine. And I may always struggle with black and white thoughts, but recognizing them is half the battle. I’ve always liked Blimpie better anyways